Anecdotes LIX. To Walk Two Worlds

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My world changed the night I lost my mind. What had once been tucked out of sight and held in silence came roaring onto center stage. I was no longer able to hide the fact I live my life connected to a world most people don’t see. Part of me doesn’t care– I am what I am, weirdness and all– but another part does, because no matter how much I commit to being shamelessly myself, the world can encroach on me. I’ve seen it is possible to lose my freedom, to be made unsafe, to be questioned on things I more »

Anecdote XXXV. A Hall of Mirrors

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Many things were said recently that struck me, making panes of reflective glass vibrate in my head. “Can we do Monday instead?” “Why do you do that?” “Nothing I say is going to matter.” “That’s toxic.” “I don’t NEED you!” “Do you think she needs hospitalization?” “I guess we should sleep.” “She’s very unusual.” “See you Tuesday, then.” Spoken by various people, not all directly about me, but all things that somehow caused me to pause. I’ve realized what it’s like: it’s like living in a hall of mirrors. I, for some reason, pour my effort into reflections– giving people more »

Life After Crazy VII. – It Changes You

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It’s been just over a week since I came home from the ER, loaded with pills and therapists’ cards. One thing I’ve learned in the course of all these hospitalizations and doctors visits is that the best thing I can do is be calm, open, and straightforward with people. Last year, I went totally bonkers. If you follow my blog, you know about that. Last week, it happened again, but slightly less… vehemently. The gist of it is this: My brain is weird and no one knows why. (You may have noticed.) See, I’ve had this other entity with me more »

Life After Crazy V. – What’s It Like?

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Disclaimer: I spend a lot of time on the internet. I’ve gotten old enough now I was around for the dawn of some now-vintage memes. If I ever quote you, thinking I’m referencing popular culture, and you feel like I have plagiarized you, please let me know. I always try to give credit where credit is due, but the meme net is wide, and the internet is bad at citing sources. Another disclaimer: a couple days after writing this I was in the ER because I hadn’t slept in four days and was pushing another round of psychosis from sheer anxiety. more »

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (Again).

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If you follow me, you know I’m doing the Women’s Forum in about two hours. I gotta go get dressed, but I want to make sure all you people who give a shit hear what I have to say today, so I don’t care if it’s perfect. I’ll come back and edit it later if I need to. For now, buckle up. Today, shit’s gonna get real. (“What do we say to Death?” “…not today!”) Download my slides here. (If you use Google Drive, it should work fine for you. No promises if you’re anti-Google, sorry. Ain’t nobody got time more »

Life After Crazy – III. Captivity

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The implications of going crazy are terrifying, but probably not for the reasons one might think. The thing I find more disturbing than anything– worse than the madness itself, worse than the stay in the hospital– is the sudden and thorough loss of freedom. It had never hit me how fragile an idea freedom is. In the course of a day, people came into my home, put me in handcuffs, and walked me barefoot into the rain, over the pavement of my street, put me in a police car, and I stopped having choices about my life. For the next more »

Life After Crazy – II. The Nonsensical Ravings of a Lunatic Mind

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It’s not painful for me to think about what happened happened to me. Starting from the day after Crazy Night, I’ve gnawed furiously on what happened to me. Some people would say I shouldn’t pick those scabs, or at least not so soon, but I don’t tend to form scabs as readily as most people. In fact, I find it more useful to really look at it, examine what I did or said while I was nuts, and try to pick apart why, what it might have meant, what triggered it, what I can pull out to watch for in more »